how am i?

We ask this question many times a day — How are you?But when was the last time we asked it honestly to ourselves: How am I?

I bet rarely, or maybe never.

Today my day started with a heavy heart, and hours later it only got worse. Sometimes it is difficult to align ourselves in the right direction and do what must be done. There have been emotions I cannot control, thoughts I cannot regulate, and reactions I wish I didn’t give.

I was not planning to write something like this anytime soon, but I had to. I am overflowing with thoughts and I needed a sink for them.

I did not want to talk to someone, because then I would expect that person to understand or react positively. Writing felt easier. At least here I can hope that someday someone, somewhere, will understand what this piece is about.

Till an hour ago I was crying. I cried hard for almost two hours. I was supposed to go to the gym and eat something healthy for lunch, but instead I dropped everything. I chose to do what I wanted at that moment — cry my heart out, eat my favorite rice, and have enough ice cream to feel a little better.

I am a sensitive and emotional human being. Things around me affect me deeply and I tend to think about everything. I have dreams and hopes that I wish will come true someday. I care about the people around me and I genuinely want them to be happy and healthy. I try to help them in whatever way I can so that they have a better day.

I am empathetic, and that has its own drawback — I feel everything.

Also, I am a woman, so I have my hormonal cycles each month, which sometimes adds to the emotional intensity. Some days are good and some are not, like today.

I also have a little OCD, so I am always alert about everything happening in my house. I am not a lazy person. I enjoy doing things on my own. Recently I started blogging to keep myself busy and to learn something new.

I have a loving family. I cannot pinpoint exactly what is wrong with my life, yet here I am — feeling emotionally drained and empty at times.

Sometimes everything feels too heavy without any clear reason. Other times I feel extremely happy.

Through my own experiences and those of people around me, I feel like I have learned a lot about life. I have seen friends and family struggle with anxiety and depression. I have tried to listen, support them, and be there whenever they needed someone.

But as they say, easier said than done.

It is not easy to control emotions when your brain keeps playing the same thoughts on a loop.

I have been struggling with anxiety for the past couple of years. I do not know if it is common to feel such intense emotions once in a while, but it is not a comfortable place to be in.

The only comforting thing I know is that it will pass.

These feelings are temporary, and the only way through them is to face them.

At times I feel extremely lonely and helpless. I cannot always express these feelings openly because when I have done that before, people often dismiss them. They say I am overthinking or overreacting. They say I should be stronger.

But sometimes all we need is someone to simply say, “I hear you.”

So instead, I observe my emotions and accept them. I try not to ignore my mental state because understanding it helps me deal with it.

Sometimes I feel like I lack purpose, and that leaves me feeling directionless and confused. At other times I feel like nothing really matters.

Still, I try. I learn new things, read books, write, talk to friends and family — and it helps.

Before you judge my lifestyle, let me say that I take care of myself. I eat healthy food, go to the gym regularly, watch good movies, listen to music, travel sometimes, and celebrate the important moments in life.

Yet emotions do not always follow logic.

I have also struggled with sleep all my life. Sometimes I can sleep for hours, and other times I cannot sleep for nights. Most people in my family do not understand this, but I know that stress affects my sleep deeply. The only thing that helps is maintaining a strict routine.

Today I have opened up about something that makes me very vulnerable — something I rarely speak about.

But I know one thing: I am a strong person when it comes to trying again and again to get better.

So I acknowledge my feelings. And maybe we all should.

We should be kind to ourselves because the world may not always be.

We are responsible for ourselves first.

So if you are feeling something similar, please know that you are not alone.

Maybe the most important conversation we will ever have in life is the one we have with ourselves.

So today, pause for a moment and ask gently:

How am I?